Grandparenting

Grandparents do not come in the same package in which they used to arrive. In some ethnic and racial groups the grandparent, usually the grandfather, is still the authoritarian patriarch, whereas in many Western countries the grandparent is seen in very different, more sentimental or marginal, terms. Attitudes toward them and expressed by them vary enormously with striking differences.

The Changing Face of Grandparenting

Age and the attitude toward age are certainly one difference in grandparenting today. Another is style - from the grandparent who acts like a teenager to the grandparent who appears never to have enjoyed life. Marital status is a further factor. One set of grandparents may have retained an intact marriage, while others have had more than one partner. Likewise the grandchild may possess either no acknowledged grandparents or several, depending on the definition of marriage and family and how the stresses have been processed.

Values and convictions of grandparents vary considerably. The grandparents may be people of faith. That faith may nourish them and those who belong to them. On the other hand, for whatever reason, it may repel all who are affected bv them. They may be grandparents whose lives are consumed by their own self-absorbed lifestyle; they care only about themselves. Many popular and technical books on aging, for example, do not even mention grandparenting. The attitudes with which grandparents approach life also differ enormously. Some grandparents embrace life, deal constructively with their losses and maintain a sense of optimism and hope. Others become negative, are critical of the oncoming generation and cover life, family and community with a blanket of darkness.

Changes in family and society are obviously affecting the experience of grandparenting, especially the degree and nature of support and the amount to which it is reciprocal. Robert O. Hanson (p. 13) points out factors that affect the ability of a family to support grandparents. These include the reality that multigeneration families are becoming more common, partly because of the declining birth rate and increased longevity. There is a much greater generation span, and there is a lack of siblings in the younger generation to share the burden of support. Longevity means that adult caregivers are likely to spend more years caring for their parents than providing support for their own cht!dren.

All the other problems that arise from how family is constituted today complicate the issues. These include the increase in divorce, blended and single-parent families, the large number of women entering the workforce, and geographical mobility., These factors, added to improved, health care, mean that age-related disabilities happen much later in life. Family caregivers are assuming that
role later in their own lives, at a time when they may themselves be vulnerable both physically and financially.

The role of grandparenting and attitudes toward particular grandparents are caught up in a rapidly changing society and the rate of change is difficult to keep up with. Nevertheless, grandparents can and often do play a highly significant role in family life today.

What's the Good of Grandparenting?

Margaret Mead believed that it takes three generations to rear a child. At the same time she reacted against the view that the grandparent is "to be a resource and yet not an interference, to keep themselves out of the picture - not to interfere, not to spoil, not to insist, not to intrude" (quoted in Carter and McGoldrick, p. 318). Mead also made the acute observation "From grandparents children learn to understand something about the reality of the world not only before they were born, but also before their parents were born. . .Experiences of the past gives them means of enjoying the future" (quoted in Fowler and Mccutcheon, p. 201). How can they do
this if they are constantly "out of the picture"?

Grandparents are a significant influence on the future generation, for both intact and broken families: "Grandparents ent access visits can be a vital factor in the well being and development of children of divorced parents - often essential role models for absent or missing mothers or fathers" (Wells, p. 35) . But if grandparents are good for children, the reverse is also true. Rosemary Wells lists what it means to have a grandchild: (1) your family will live on into the future; (2) you are given a second chance to be a better parent; (3) you can enjoy helping the children (with schoolwork and at playtime); (4) your grandchild may achieve things you or your child did not (p. 35). This may seem a modest list, but in a world where both parents work, an available grandparent can make a huge difference even with a modest investment of time.

Grandparenting does other things for the grandparent as well. Because losses are common and cumulative at this point in life, depression and self-absorption can very quickly devour the
grandparent. So can self-indulgence. Caring for one's grandchildren without making favorites is one way of escaping the domination of one's moods and feelings. Finding a support system in . the local church and in one's relationship to God will further enable the grandparent to cope better with these challenges. In extreme cases where the grandparent takes over the parenting role, a support system within the local church will be absolutely essential.

The Pitfalls of Grandparenting

In normal circumstances grandparents do best when they have healthy and clear boundaries, keep out of destructive triangles, and do not engage in "cutoffs," to use the language of family systems. Good boundaries means that they are "up front" about what they will do for the family members, are generous and loving in their support but do not allow unreasonable demands to be made on them. This does not refer simply to gross demands that come close to elder abuse. Grandparents must respect their own persons and legitimate needs and find a balance between their own needs and those of others, including their grandchildren. Expectations that are clear and negotiated without emotional blackmail are healthy for all the parties.

Grandparents can very easily get "triangled'' in a way that is tough on the actual parent. For example, very few adoIescents think highly of their parents! Being a gentle advocate for the parents may be necessary and even occasionally desirable. Being a coconspirator is not. Some families are conflict-ridden. They are quick to quarrel and slow to reconcile. People get cut off. Grandparents can make a large contribution to the family by refusing to engage in cutting
off people from their emotional support system. They can listen, reflect, refuse to be judge and jury, and keep doors open. They must never undercut parents.

Indeed, grandparents can and should learn not to volunteer advice unless it is requested. The less initiative they demonstrate here, the more likely they are to be asked and the advice heeded. Some grandparents may end up as surrogate parents for all kinds of reasons, but the grandchildren do not need to be the pawns in any family disputes.

The Contribution Grandparents Make

Grandparents can model what long-term commitments produce. Even if a marriage falls apart, they can still demonstrate that malice, revenge, hatred, guilt, and shame also need not dominate. Grandparents can demonstrate respect for others. This should be shown in attitudes to the opposite gender and to minorities of all kinds. As the keeper of family history, grandparents also need to be careful not to overindulge in anecdotage. As grandchildren get older, they will want to know more about their family story. Family secrets may need to be handled carefully but not buried.

The most important contribution a grandparent can make is in terms of imparting and modeling faith. For the Christian, finding creative and life-affirming ways of doing this is the greatest challenge of grandparenting. No other responsibility comes close to this; when
it is effective, no other joy exceeds it. Of course, it includes praying for grandchildren; it must also involve a lifestyle that affirms anything that is said. It means taking advantage of teachable moments, which should be natural, not contrived, and joyful, not legalistic.

Grandchildren need grandparents. Grandparents need relationships with their children and grandchildren. There comes a day when it changes from giving support to receiving it. The capacity to do both with grace is not always easy. But when it is done with grace, the rewards
for everyone are exceptional. To be an active, godly grandparent is more satisfying than being a self-absorbed successful senior citizen grasping for rewards that never come to the people who cannot think and act beyond themselves. If a person's chief aim is to glorify God and enjoy God forever, grandparenting offers a significant role in fulfilling this objective.

» See also: Family

» See also: Family Communication

» See also: Family Systems

» See also: Parenting

References and Resources

B. Carter and M. McGoldrick, eds., The Changing Family Life Cycle (2nd ed.; Boston: Allyn &
Bacon, 1989); M. Fowler and P. McCutcheon, eds., Songs of Experience (New York: Ballantine,
1991); R. O. Hanson, Relationships in Old Age (New York: Guilford, 1994); R. Wells, Your Grandchild and You (Oxford, U.K.: Sheldon Press, 1990).

—R. D. Bell