Visiting

The making and receiving of visits is a familiar aspect of life. Some people give more time to this than others; some seem to enjoy it more than others; some view it as more essential than others. How highly valued is visiting today? What kind of priority should we give it? Whom should we spend time visiting and why? What is supposed to come out of it?

Surveys and interviews suggest that in Western societies visiting others in a regular or leisurely way is decreasing. There are various reasons for this. First, more people are in the work force. These days, despite unemployment, a larger proportion of people are working than previously. The clearest example of this is the two-career marriage: such people have less time for visits to neighbors, fellow Christians or the wider family. Second, working hours are longer (see Time). On average people have around twelve hours less free time per week than a decade ago. Third, urban sprawl and mobility are increasing. Especially for middle-class single people and young marrieds without children, there are greater distances between them and others whom they might want or need to visit. Fourth, there is a devaluation of relationships. Except among some groups, such as the older “busters” (that is, twenty-five- to thirty-year-olds) relationships have come to be regarded in an increasingly instrumental fashion. More important is accumulating possessions and experiences. These four are not the only reasons for the decline in visiting but their combined force is significant.

What are we to make of this? Many people have begun to yearn for the days when they could visit others more easily, more regularly and in a more leisurely fashion. In non-Western cultures visiting others continues to be highly valued and practiced, and much time is given to it at least in rural areas. The Bible also has some things to say about this.

Visiting in Scripture

It is not difficult to see why Scripture gives a high priority to visiting others. Making a visit is just the reverse side of extending hospitality. Since practicing hospitality is such a basic Christian obligation, so too is visiting, and for similar reasons.

First, visiting is important because it reflects the practice of God. Throughout the Bible God is described as one who visits us. It is not necessary for the word itself to be present to see this taking place. We have a vivid example of it taking place as early as the third chapter of Genesis, when God comes walking in the Garden of Eden looking for Adam and Eve (Genesis 3:8-9). In passage after passage God gets in touch with people, whether they are seeking to be in contact with him or not, and spends time with them in a wide variety of ways. He talks with them, gives them comfort, warns them against dangers, instructs them in various matters. In other places the word visit itself is used—in quite diverse ways. For example, God visits (or “comes to the aid of”) people to provide food for them (Ruth 1:6), to fulfill a gracious promise (Jeremiah 29:10), to take them to a new place (Genesis 50:24), to offer them salvation (Psalm 106:4), as well as to bring home to them the tangible consequences of generations of sinful behavior (Numbers 14:18). According to Job, God visits us daily to see how we are responding to all the divine things that come our way (Job 7:18).

Second, in the light of this it is not surprising that the Bible presents us with exemplars who made a practice of visiting others. So Paul frequently refers to his desire to visit or to revisit those who have responded to his message. He does this out of concern for them and to “see how they are doing” (Acts 15:36). While sometimes he can visit only for a week, on other occasions he wants to make more than just a “passing visit” (1 Cor. 16:7). When his hopes of seeing them are dashed, he does not give up but continues to plan a visit (Romans 1:13). Where turning up at one of his churches is likely to cause conflict and distress, Paul refrains from making a “painful visit” so that when he comes, it will be a joyful rather than distressing occasion (2 Cor. 2:1, 3). When he is torn away peremptorily from those with whom he is spending time, so intensely does he long to see them that he makes “every effort . . . again and again” to visit them (1 Thes. 2:17-18).

Third, the Bible encourages us to give special preference in our visiting to those who are disadvantaged in some way. According to James the litmus test of genuine religion is to “look after orphans and widows in their distress” (James 1:27). Alongside talking about the importance of hospitality to the stranger or needy, Jesus points to the importance of visiting those who “are sick and in prison” (Matthew 25:43 NRSV). One reason why these should have priority is evident. Because prisoners cannot get out, they are unable to enjoy the company of others by visiting them! The letters from prison written by the German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer remind us how much those in such a situation long for human contact with others at a distance. But more than human contact is at issue here. When we make such a visit, we visit not just the people but Christ himself (Matthew 25:45)! In a quite literal sense we are engaged in a divine service. This should be of particular significance to hospital and prison chaplains whose main work this is.

Principles of Visiting

As mentioned above, visiting others seems to be in decline. This is a serious matter, for it means that something of the divine longing for fellowship is slowly going out of the modern world, even out of the church. Such visiting seeks the presence of those whose company is enjoyable because there is much in common or because it could bring encouragement to them. It is part of the divine bringing of consolation or hope to others who are largely cut off from their normal sources of support, the divine giving or provision of guidance for any who might be in need of material assistance or vocational guidance and the divine association with people to whom something needs to be declared or restated. All of these are important aspects of ministry among believers and to outsiders. We need to remedy the decline by imitating God’s behavior towards us, learning from role models such as Paul and heeding the instruction of Jesus and James.

If visiting is as important as the Bible suggests, we need to clear more time for it. Since it is a form of ministry that reflects the basic character of God and issues in a vital service of Christ, we ought to give it a high priority. This means making some hard choices: for example, searching for arrangements in the workplace that would allow greater job sharing for two-career couples, couples returning to only one partner working in a salaried position, refusing to work longer hours except when strictly necessary and being willing to take the consequences, lowering expectations about our standard of living so that we do not have to spend as much time earning and reducing involvement in other forms of ministry that may be regarded as important by the church but do not have as high a profile in Scripture. In some cases we should work to change the church’s priorities so that ordinary members, rather than just the staff or pastoral-care team, visit members of the congregation and people outside the church as an expression of our genuine interest in them. In most cases this would result in more effective community-building pastoral care and outreach by the church than does a reliance upon programs (see Equipping).

If we are to give more attention to it, we may need to relearn some of the art of visiting. This varies from place to place. In some societies visiting involves bringing particular kinds of gifts. In others it is important to stay until the male or female host indicates that you are free to leave. Conventions vary as to dress, order of conversation and how women and men relate. Depending on the culture, paying a visit also involves greater or lesser spontaneity: in some cultures it is permissible to drop in on people unannounced at certain times, whereas in others this would be regarded as an intrusion. The secret to dropping in is to take some food along in case the hosts are unprepared, though only rarely is this likely to be the case. The secret to formally arranging a visit is to allow those invited to determine the time, style and length of stay.

The chief skills in visiting, which are also in diminishing supply, include not imposing on others, putting people at ease, asking the appropriate questions, listening to what people say and appreciating the hospitality involved. These skills are not so much a case of learning certain techniques as developing a genuine interest in and concern for people, out of which other capacities flow.

We also need to rethink the rhythms of visiting. When it involves visiting someone in an institution, these are largely determined for us, but what is in our control is the regularity of and commitment to visiting a person over the long haul. When a visit is awkward and strained, there is a time beyond which little of value happens and preplanning that or sensing it during the visit is extremely helpful. When the person with whom we are in contact is obsessive about relationships, or the reverse of this and highly ambivalent, we need to realize that visits with the former must be limited and circumscribed and visits with the latter should be tailored to his or her wishes, rather than out of a sense of duty. When relationships are strong and developing, as with actual or potential friends, we need to visit regularly with an open time frame (see Friendship): a few hours every few weeks or months only allows us to catch up with each other, whereas what we need to go further and deeper is a whole day, sometimes a weekend and occasionally even a holiday together.

One thing is certain. If we wish relationships between families, friends and neighbors to deepen and the wider social fabric to be strengthened, there will have to be a renewal of visiting in our day. As Christians we are well placed to do and demonstrate that. After all, we are the ones who know most of all the fundamental role of the divine visit Christ made to us when we were lonely, lost, estranged and at a distance from God. Since ours is the uniquely visited planet, we have a model before us that we should all energetically follow.

» See also: Coffee Drinking

» See also: Conversation

» See also: Friendship

» See also: Pastoral Care

» See also: Traveling

References and Resources

R. Paul Stevens, Disciplines of the Hungry Heart: Christian Living Seven Days a Week (Wheaton, Ill.: Harold Shaw, 1993).

—Robert Banks